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Breaking News/Archive/122007
Truthiness To Return Without Writers? Yahoo News has announced that Dr. Colbert will be returning to television on January 7, 2008 without his writers. More to come. Stephen Colbert Named Most Influential Man By MSN Lifestyle More praise for Our Glorious Stephen, this time from MSN Lifestyle: the place for women, metrosexuals, and the gays to explore their feminine side and catch up on the latest celebrity DUIs. Dr. Colbert was the final name in the top 11 "Most Influential Men of 2007". We'll just assume that MSN were going from least influential to most influential. After all, naming a Bush-hating Commie tub-o-lard as the year's most influential man makes no sense at all! ### More The Associated Press is now riding on MSN Lifestyle by proclaiming Dr. Colbert "Celebrity" of the Year. That's rich, AP. ### Archbishop of Canterbury Says Nativity Is Fake! After criticizing American nation-building policy, Dr. Rowan Williams is setting himself apart as a loose cannon with comments questioning the veracity of the Nativity Story. CANTERBURY, ENGLAND, December 20, 2007-- Interjecting himself into the Christmas season, the current Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Williams, has set off a firestorm of controversy in his homeland of England with statements of a blasphemous nature. :"The Nativity Story is nothing but a theory, much like evolution or gravity." Dr. Williams informed his misguided flock one Saturday, "While there may be some parts of the story that make sense, the vast majority of it could never have happened. I mean, seriously, Jesus was not a Capricorn." Among the other lies Dr. Williams tried to spread during his tirade were: * The Baby Jesus was black * Mary had sex several times with Joseph, at least once before The Baby Jesus' immaculation * the star was not a star, but three planets that coincidentally aligned in the night sky * Christmas trees are pagan symbols * a stable full of animals smells like shit As word of the Archbishop's sermon leaked to the public, armed crowds gathered to chant slogans, wave signs and burned effigies of the Wife of Bath. Naturally, the local Saudi population joined in believing the burning female dummies were actually the final punishment for rape victims. However, when the misunderstanding was cleared up, they went home. Others who remained believed the gathering was a part of some kind of soccer hooligan initiation. But as word spread that a priest-like figure had insulted the savior and there would be no drinking, they too went home. The remaining gaggle demanded an audience with the Archbishop's boss, the Pope of Canterbury. An impromptu hearing was staged and The Pope quickly decided that a new Archbishop would be selected. One who is not so mouthy. The Pope of Canterbury has asked Wikiality.com to reserve a tube for applicants wishing to become the new Archbishop. Please click here to post your qualifications to be the next Archbishop of Canterbury. The Pope will choose the most qualified to fill in the post. He says he will contact you via email. ### Democrats Desperate! Trailing behind Jesus' two candidates Mike Huckabee and Rudy 9iu11iani, democrat president candidates are exploiting a defenseless media! CORNPONE, IOWA, December 19, 2007-- Hoping to garner some free publicity, presidential hairdo, John Edwards is leaking rumours about himself in a last-ditch attempt to make himself appear more manly than front runner Hillary Clinton. Wikiality.com special correspondent, Ann Coulter reports from Iowa that Mr. Edwards' paramour may not even be a woman: :"I have spent the better part of the weekend trolling Iowa's vast homosexual community in search of any witnesses. And this reporter can tell you that what Mr. Edwards was with was no woman. I mean, come on. You can totally see his Adam's apple." The media spent as many hours discussing Mr. Edwards' possible heterosexual out-of-the-bathroom dalliances as Dodd spent reading shrimp recipes on the floor of the Senate. Not to be outdone, Dennis Kucinich's wife is making appearances dressed as a famous high school pole vaulter. Rumours are circulating that Osama Hussein Obama will be playing the race card in a new and dramatic way during Kwanzaa. As for Mike Gravel, his campaign has told Wikiality.com that their man's strategy for more media attention is to act normal. No word yet from the Clinton campaign as to where they will be staging their next hostage crisis. ### Presidential Candidate Christopher Dodd Threatens Fillibuster! Democrat President Candidate, Chris Dodd of Connecticut has threatened to fillibuster a bill in the Senate that will protect America! WASHINGTON, D.C., December 17, 2007-- With the only bill that will protect America from terrorists ready to be voted on by the Senate, one senator has deigned to prevent The Greatest President Ever from signing it by holding the C-SPAN microphone hostage to his never-ending blathering. The Bear Lobby called a press conference to show their support for Mr. Dodd's block, but no one came because they are bears. Instead, Mitt Romney brought his squirrel gun and took out their spokesman with one shot and saved America from hearing why anyone would support Senator Dodd's attempt at undermining the legal process and prolong America from celebrating Christmas. Wikiality.com will follow this story until it gets dark, or cold, or if we get tired, or... ### NRA Announces Tour This message is brought to you by the NRA. NRA, we're everywhere you are! COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO, December 9, 2007-- Keeping in the spirit of the season, NRA officials announced today they will be traveling around the country this winter to promote their new slogan, "We're everywhere you are!" "We'll be like a traveling revival of Constitutional rights: part God, part gun, no gays!" an unnamed spokesman said during a press conference, "We have Real American Celebrities like Tom Selleck, Kurt Russell and Ricky Schroeder who will be speaking to communities like Colorado Springs, Colorado, Arvado, Colorado, Omaha, Nebraska, Salt Lake City, Utah and Kansas City, Missouri. The very places, where red-blooded Americans live and work and shop and worship Our Lord and Savior in the safety that only guns can provide." The NRA is still working out the precise details, as of this date, but insiders tell Wikiality.com that accuracy isn't really a concern, just as long as more people are within the target range of their message. "Our aim is to hit every American town, no matter how small," the spokesman promised. Wikiality.com promises to bring our readers the latest in Constitutional protections on our NRA page. God Bless America! ### Union Writers Strike For Sex Today's news story brought to you by Viacom. Viacom, we bring things to you and they may be alive. HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, December 4, 2007-- Wikiality.com has just received information regarding the real reason the WGA is striking against America's defenseless corporations: they are walking the picket lines to "hook up" (as the kids these days say). "It started when the homos insisted on a dress code. Then they demanded hair styles and exercising even for the older, rounder writers," a plant for America's Benevolent Broadcaster whispered to Wikiality.com using a texting tube, "these heels are hell on my feet. I would fit right in with the Lady Homos, their shoes are comfortable. This torture has nothing to do with fair compensation; it has to do with sex." Apparently, the WGA has divided their writers up by sexual orientation and how strict they hold their marriage vows, if any. Wikiality.com's spy has seen the following groups: congregating outside studio gates holding their "official strike" signs, but with their allegiances obvious to the public: * NAMBLA has set up outside Paramount Studios under the guise of older, more experienced writers "mentoring" the new, fresh, young ones * Jodie Foster's Army paraded up and down the sidewalk outside where renegade Ellen DeGeneres tapes her program * a group of "Little People" marched outside Conan O'Brien's studio presumably looking for the Masturbating Bear. Iran Has Time Machine Technologies! Facing off against The Greatest President Ever, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad deployed operatives to dismantle their nuculer program in 1993! TEHRAN, IRAN, December 3, 2007-- No sooner had The White House announced another success in the War on Terror, but Iran appears to have replaced their impending plans for a nuculer weapons development program with time travel, which most certainly uses nuculer energy! "We have successfully ended Iran's nuculer weapons program.," The White House said in a written statement, However, we still must invade now that their time traveling technologies has been discovered." According to inside sources, the CIA was finally able to go through some old chatter and found that this new information had suddenly changed into the exact opposite of everything they knew about Iran previous to the discovery. "We have no explanation for this information contradicting everything we knew to be true. The obvious explanation is that Iran has conquered time travel," an unnamed CIA agent told Wikiality.com, "We now have two ways to deal with this new threat: wait and see how else they will change the past to fit their agenda, or dismantle that technology with the greatest of prejudice American can muster. And no one does prejudice better than America!" The Greatest Administration Ever will divert funds from worthless social programs to fund whatever infrastructure necessary to combat this new threat. ###